Attn: media. Re: everything you say sucks

1. Please please please please PLEASE stop referring to it as "global warming." The 80's called, and would like their cut-rate science reporting back. If you call it "global warming" then people - who are by and large morons who get their news exclusively from CNN and FOX - will experience cold days and decide it's all untrue. Meanwhile, 98% of climatologists and the majority of other scientists are holding their heads in their hands weeping. Call it climate change, because for all practical purposes, that's what we are experiencing: our climate? It's changing. QED.

2. When a man and a woman love each other very much, they may do an adult thing. This might result in a zygote. A zygote is the product of a sperm fertilizing an ovum, or egg. This is called a zygote. It is not a fetus. Once that cell begins to divide, it is still not a fetus, but it is an embryo. It will remain an embryo for eight weeks. Then, eight weeks after fertilization, it becomes a fetus. Understand? Up to eight weeks post conception, it is not a fetus.

3. There are some vaccines that still do contain thiomersal. Assuming a typical vaccination schedule for a child in the United States, these are not given within the first two years of life, if at all. Thiomersal is not used in any routine early-childhood vaccinations.

3a. There is no evidence - none, whatsoever - that thiomersal causes autism. It was removed from most vaccines as a preventative measure, not because there was any evidence at all that it causes any sort of developmental delays.

3b. Autism rates have increased even since thiomersal has been phased out, which is fairly compelling evidence that thiomersal does *not* cause autism.

4. Autism rates have likely not actually increased; *diagnosis* rates have. This is because up until quite recently, anyone who showed markedly delayed or different mental development was labeled as sub-standard and chucked into an asylum to waste away. It is a good thing that we don't do this any more. It does not mean that we have a plague of any sort.

5. Those disease parents are refusing to vaccinate their children against kill people, every year. They are not common problems in the United States because for decades we have had highly effective vaccination programs. After the Soviet Union broke up, there was a tremendous dip in vaccination rates in the former Soviet nations, and by 1998, 5,000 people - five thousand - had died of diphtheria. This year, since parents have stopped vaccinating their children, pertussis (whooping cough) has killed ten children in California. Rotavirus - my favorite - is still a major cause of death in the developing world and kills half a million children every single year. Young children are fragile; childhood vaccinations are specifically designed by very smart people to protect them.

6. There is minimal, if any, scientifically accepted evidence that any of the following work to heal humans of conditions or diseases: acupuncture, acupressure, anything involving energy fields or auras, aromatherapy, chiropractic, faith healing, crainosacral therapy, any sort of homeopathy, reiki, or anything else that has not been tested under controlled, clinical settings.

6a. If someone claims to be able correct poor eyesight using anything other than physical reshaping of the eye, they are lying.

7. Assuming you are reasonably healthy to begin with, here is what you need to do to remain healthy:

i) WASH YOUR HANDS. Diseases in the western world are, by and large, spread by someone's hand coming in contact with their juices (usually mucus or saliva), touching something else, and then you repeating the process. If you wash your hands with soap and water frequently, you will dramatically increase your chances of not getting sick.

ii) Eat food. Not processed food products. Eat whole grains and fruits and vegetables. Drink lots of water. If something has to clarify that it is a "product" on the label, it's probably not terribly nutritious. Moderation is key here: you don't need to always eat healthy, but don't always eat crap.

iii) When you are tired? Sleep. When you are hungry? Eat. When you are *not* hungry? Don't eat.

iv) Seriously, wash your goddamn hands.

v) Exercise. You don't need to run five miles a day. You do need to use your body once in a while. Go for a walk every other day. Take the stairs instead of the elevator. Go up to the mall and window-shop the entire length.

vi) Don't binge drink. Don't smoke. Don't drive drunk or set your head on fire or anything like that.

7) Here's the thing: teenagers want to have sex. This is an absolute biological fact - once human beings hit sexual maturity, they want to have sex. Some of them will act on these urges. If these teenagers have been provided with comprehensive, honest information about the risks and safety precautions of responsible sexual activity, they will have safer sex. If they are told "don't have sex because then bad things will happen," then they will still have sex and more of them will wind up with STDs and/or pregnant.

7a) No, really: teenagers *will* have sex. Short of locking them in solitary confinement for their entire teenage years, nothing can change this. And this is nothing new - Romeo was maybe sixteen; Juliet is not yet fourteen years old.

8) We landed on the moon. There is no question about that. No one assassinated Princess Diana; she was the victim of a drunk driver. There are no aliens on this planet, reptilian or otherwise. The Denver airport is not part of some vast conspiracy about anything. Freemasons are pretty much a bunch of old white guys who still want to hang out in a no-girls-allowed clubhouse.