That Rick Perry ad

My favorite Texas governor has a new campaign ad! I keep trying to ignore it and pretend it doesn't exist but it's like they said in Inception - once an idea is in your head it's awfully hard to get rid of it. Perry's latest oeuvre is a thirty-second spot entitled "Strong", which doesn't even start off crazy and go downhill; it just sort of spawned into existence at the bottom of the Great Right Swamp of Idiocy and thrashed around in the mud a bit. Let's take a look:



Okay. First of all, before you start considering killing yourself after watching this, note that as of right now it's got 17,732 'likes' and 597,744 'dislikes'. It also, in my opinion, constitutes hate speech, which means you can report it as offensive to YouTube. Now let's break it down piece by piece.

1. Rick Perry is not ashamed to be a Christian. This is outstanding! This is America, where we pride ourselves on our religious freedom and tolerance. Freedom of religion is explicitly spelled out in the Constitution and no one should ever be made to feel uncomfortable when it comes to professing a particular faith. And he's right - you certainly don't need to regularly attend a Christian church to see that there's something wrong with this country...

2. "...when gays can serve openly in the military." I will freely grant that Gov. Perry is wholly entitled to think that gay people are wrong/creepy/sinners/etc. However, I personally don't see what is wrong with allowing fully-capable volunteers to serve in our all-volunteer military, and I really don't see why in the world it would be acceptable for gays to serve in the military so long as no one knew they were gay. Do you think it's some sort of mentally-transmitted disease, where merely being aware that Joe's going on a date with Mike this weekend will do harm to heterosexual soldiers? Somehow, whatever risk Joe and Steve's date poses is contained by them never mentioning it to their colleagues and going to a movie theater two towns away?

3. "...but our kids can't openly celebrate Christmas or pray in school." I was quite unaware that there were any laws anywhere in the United States prohibiting children from openly celebrating Christmas (whatever that would even mean - banning Christmas music?) or praying in school. In fact, while public schools themselves cannot lead organized prayer, it's generally considered to be a violation of the Anti-Establishment Clause to forbid students from praying, so long as the prayer is not disruptive. You want to bow your head in homeroom? Go for it. You want to wear a Christmas sweater to school? Go for it. Your school tried to break up group of students who decided on their own to pray before the first bell? I imagine the ACLU would like to hear about it.

4. "As president, I'll end Obama's war on religion." Good grief, I am literally the worst soldier in the US Army, as I had no idea we were even fighting a war on religion! Actually, no one at any of the three Army bases I've been assigned to thus far must have heard, because I've met chaplains - ordained ministers, all of them - at each place! And been in chapels! And been at events where, despite the questionable first-amendment implications, the event is opened with a brief prayer! This war is going even worse than Afghanistan.

5. "And I'll fight against liberal attacks on our religious heritage." You do that. Meanwhile I'll be over here hanging out with our religious heritage, including the Jefferson Bible and some of Dr. Benjamin Franklin's writings, like this:

The Faith you mention has doubtless its use in the World. I do not desire to see it diminished, nor would I endeavour to lessen it in any Man. But I wish it were more productive of good Works, than I have generally seen it: I mean real good Works, Works of Kindness, Charity, Mercy, and Publick Spirit; not Holiday-keeping, Sermon-Reading or Hearing; performing Church Ceremonies, or making long Prayers, filled with Flatteries and Compliments, despis’d even by wise Men, and much less capable of pleasing the Deity. The worship of God is a Duty; the hearing and reading of Sermons may be useful; but, if Men rest in Hearing and Praying, as too many do, it is as if a Tree should Value itself on being water’d and putting forth Leaves, tho’ it never produc’d any Fruit.

6. "Faith made America strong." Sure did! You mean things like "faith in the ability of a small colony to break free from the yoke of a tyrannical regime" and "faith that the democratic process would work" and "faith that, no matter what happened down the line, the Constitution would always be held as the most important document in the nation," right?

7. "It can make her strong again." Attention everybody: According to Gov. Perry, America is no longer strong. The nation which has the second-largest active-duty military force in the world, which has the third-largest population in the world, has the seventh-highest GDP in the world, and has the world's second-largest nuclear arsenal, is no longer strong. Good to know!

Hey, Texans...can you all please do something about your governors? Like keep them from running for president, because that just seems to lead to a heap of incoherent crazy?