Before you read this, knock on wood.

It's been a good year. I know it's a bit premature, but I've been thinking, and you know what? It's been a good year.

Last year was not a good year. Last year, I screwed up the second half of my freshman year, spent my summer taking a class I didn't really enjoy, working a job I didn't really enjoy, and doing an internship that convinced me I didn't want to go into journalism. Then I went back to school and proceeded to make an even bigger mess of my sophomore year. I'd begun to realize that I had no idea what I was doing: no idea why I was at St. John's, no idea why I'd chosen St. John's, no idea why I'd even gone straight to college out of high school. I didn't know what I wanted to do with my life and therefore didn't know if St. John's would help me get there, which caused something of a motivation problem. So, predictably to anyone who wasn't me and therefore had there head in a clearer place, I got kicked out. "Goodbye," they said. "Go take time off. Figure yourself out before trying to take on great literature."

So, I went. And I moped. Cried a bit, too, and spent a few weeks wallowing in misery. Then I realized that, okay, not having a lot of fun doing this, and whether or not I like it, I'm not in school right now. So what now?

I didn't really believe it then, a year ago, but I've had a spectacular amount of fun in the past year. The highlight of course was being in London: it was someplace I'd always wanted to go and, incredibly, it lived up to my expectations. Ireland was less intense for me but still enjoyable. I travelled a lot within Ireland and it's an incredible feeling, to go, hop on a bus, go someplace. Spontaneously. I did a fairly large number of things that scared the crap out of me (from 'going to a foreign country where I don't speak the language' to 'finding a job and apartment on my own'), made decent work of those things, and definitely learned...something.

Even prior to going to abroad? When I was working for the IRS in a mind-numbing job, bored out of my mind in New Jersey? It was (in retrospect, in the long run) good for me. I almost didn't take that job, because...sweet jeebus, who the hell am I thinking it's at all right to work for the IRS? The bloated government abomination that chews through the taxes it collects like nothing else? And the commute was a bitch. But: the pay is good. I needed the money. So I sucked it up, went and spent eight hours typing numbers into a computer every day, and that was that. Did it necessarily make me a better person? Not really, but it did probably start to knock me off my high-and-mighty liberal horse a bit. Did it help me get to a place that I personally wanted to be? Yeah. Am I particularly proud to say I worked for the government, let alone the IRS? Not at all, but I did, I survived, and really? It wasn't a big deal. I'd first decided that I was going to go to Europe; the IRS job was a means to an end.

So, here's my resolution. I'm going to go back to St. John's and make the best of it. For all I know I'll get back there and Santa Fe and the college will feel like a heavy wet cloth draped over my face, in which case, I'll get through the semester and consider my other options. I'm going to get through the semester, though, and I'm going to do well. I'm not going to let "hey I screwed this up before!" get in my way, and I'm not going to scare myself off.

That's all for now, thank god.