Thoughts on the whole "fat people on a plane" thing.

Kevin Smith got booted off a Southwest flight because he's fat. Apparently, he bought two seats, but then got on standby for an earlier flight and got the very last seat on a full flight, and then he was told that he was too big and would have to get off the plane. The main issue seems to be that he apparently could lower the armrests (the de facto test) but was kicked off anyway. My thoughts:

1. What the hell is Kevin Smith doing flying on Southwest? Southwest is for people who can't afford an airline that pretends not to be a bus, not big Hollywood producers.

2. "People of size." Okay, I get that you can't have an official Fat People Policy, but come on. Are the "people of size" different from...what, those literally one-dimensional people? Please, airlines, I'm begging you to come up with a slightly less inane euphemism, because every time I hear someone identified as a "person of size" I want to start screaming that OF COURSE they're "of size," everyone and everything has size, you idiotic PR-obsessed morons!

3. If you are tall, there's not a damn thing you can do about it, short of chopping off your legs. Planes are designed to be as efficient as possible, which means cramming as many tiny seats into a tube as possible. This is not going to change, so get the hell over it. Fly business class, spent the extra twenty bucks for an exit seat, or drive.

4. If you are fat, you can do something about it! You can lose weight! Yes, you can! No, seriously, you can. I don't care whatever made-up glandular problem you have; if you take in fewer calories than you burn, you'll lose weight! Forget about nutrition; that's the first law of thermodynamics. The energy that your body needs to pump blood around and get up and walk and blink your eyes needs to come from somewhere. Usually it comes from the food that you eat. If you eat less food, some of that energy will come from the fat already within your body. That is why humans have fat, as an emergency battery. If you say you can't do anything about it, you're lying.

4a. I do not care if you're fat. If you want to live your life slurping down McDonalds and die of a stroke at the age of 35? Fine. Not my problem.

4b. If you make that choice, it comes with trade-offs. You can be too fat to fit in a single seat on an airplane and buy two, or you can lose weight and fit in a single seat.

5. If you cannot fit in one seat, and the flight is otherwise fully booked, you will need to reserve a second seat on a less-full flight. This is not a personal insult. This is not punishment. This is not a moral judgement. This is just how buying things work. You pay to occupy a seat on a plane going from A to B. If you want to occupy two seats, one of which could potentially be occupied by a second paying customer, you have to pay for two seats. If I go to Subway and buy a 6 inch sandwich, but decide I'm really really hungry, Subway is not obligated to give me a second sandwich for free. If I pay for a one-way bus fare, I cannot ride the bus again for free just because.

5a. If the flight turns out not to be fully booked, the money for that second seat should be refunded; this, I understand, is how it already works.

5b. THIS IS NOT DISCRIMINATION. Pointing out the obvious (this passenger does not fit in one seat) is not discrimination.

6. It would be lovely if the airline staff was discrete and polite in these situations. It would also be lovely if airline staff was polite when your flight is delayed for whatever reason, or when you've been sitting on the tarmac for three hours and you have to pee, or when you nearly miss your plane because the gate suddenly changed from A1 to Z452. It would also be lovely if cashiers always handed you your coins first, if milk never went bad in the fridge, and if I woke up tomorrow and had 20/20 vision. Humans are humans, and usually we're a mean, brutal people, and nothing's going to change that. Suck it up and deal.

A trip to the zoo.

Today, owing to the fortuitous combination of not having any classes, work first thing in the morning, and a desire to GET OUT OF HERE, I went to the zoo in Albuquerque.

I took the new-ish train there, because Santa Fe residents ride free until the end of this month, and also I don't have a car. Really all you need to know about it is that when the doors on the Rail Runner are about to close, the audio warning is "meepmeep." Like a road runner. Which is just a tiny thing that is overflowing with joy.

Albuquerque seems so strange to me. On the one hand, it has the feel of a City with a big university and tall buildings and, you know, connections to the rest of the world through a variety of transportation options. On the other hand, everything is fauxdobe-colored and there are big wide streets and separate houses, and it kind of [i]feels[/i] like it wants to be a sleepy western town. I walked from the train station to the zoo - it's only about ten blocks or so - and didn't venture into the older part of the city - but it still doesn't feel like a proper city to me.

The zoo itself was fun, and practically empty. The only other zoo I've been to since I was about four years old is the National Zoo in DC, which sets the bar kind of high, so this was tiny by comparison. I kind of worried a bit about the polar bears; they didn't look terribly pleased, and one of them had a barrel stuck on it's head. I guess they give them big empty plastic barrels to play with, and this guy had flattened one out completely and was playing around with it. Then he stuck his head in it and seemed to be displeased with that turn of events. (He seemed fine in the long run).

They get bonus points for having capybaras there, because capybaras are [i]awesome[/i]. (It's a guinea pig. A four-foot-tall, hundred-and-some-pound guinea pig.) Also, lions, tigers, kangaroos, elephants, parrots, etc. The only thing that struck me as somewhat remarkable was the raptors; they have two bald eagles, which is neat.

It seemed really kid-friendly, and it's small, so I imagine that if I were fifteen years younger or so it would be probably the coolest place in New Mexico. As it is, it was fun, and I got to see polar bears and capybaras, so that's a win. A little bit pricey for the size, but I was more upset at paying five bucks for a box of lettuce for lunch.

Photos may or may not be posted when I get around to pulling them off my phone, but I don't feel like futzing around with that right now.

Also, entirely unsurprisingly, I got sunburned on my face. It wasn't even very sunny today. Curse you, New Mexico!

Oxygen!

Running at sea level is awesome, because it makes you feel like you're in such better condition that you really are.

Amazing free offer!

Hey everyone! Do you live in the New York area? Do you love to travel? Man, does JetBlue have a fantastic offer!

New York-based JetBlue is looking for 1,000 of its frequent flyers to show up at JFK on August 23 to check bags given to them by the airline, go through security and wait at the assigned gate for their imaginary "flight".

In return, the airline is promising unspecified "giveaways", free parking and lunch.

Hahahahahahaha. Ahahahaha. Good luck with that, guys. Seriously, what they're saying is, "we'll give you lunch if you go through all the miserable parts of travel without the actual, you know, travel."

I wonder if they'll give you a food voucher when your non-existent flight is "delayed"? Will they load people onto planes and have them sit on the tarmac for three hours - to simulate sitting on the tarmac for three hours - and then another five with the engines running to simulate actually flying somewhere? Will there be screaming babies? Will they have CNN playing and aurally competing with boarding announcements from the nearest sixty-five gates and reminders not to leave your fake baggage unattended? Will they change the gate your fake flight is not leaving from three times and not tell you? Gosh, I'll be back in Jersey on the 23rd, maybe I should go!

Seriously: I would not under any circumstance do that for a "free giveaway" and a free lunch. If they actually paid for me to go somewhere like, say, London, sure. But "please come go through all the hellishness of getting to a flight without actually going anywhere and we'll give you a free sandwich" is just not a compelling offer.

What sort of technology does the TSA use?

Because you know what my laptop case is made of?  Fabric, probably polyester or something, and foam.  

Know what the back of my messenger bag is made of?  Fabric, probably polyester or something, and foam.  

What sort of magic x-ray machines does the TSA use that can somehow see through the (in fact, denser) fabric of my messenger bag, but I'd need to by a special laptop case for them to be able to see through that?  

(This security checkpoint brought to you by Targus and Skooba)

Quality logic

The TSA is going to give their screeners extra training.

Hawley said this new training will help screeners catch potential terrorists who may be conducting dry runs through airports.

“We have to assume that that is occurring,” Hawley said. “Our job is to pick up on the clue.”

Uh, what?

Wait, do you mean that based on the total lack of airline-based terroristic events in the past seven years, we have to assume that terrorists are doing 'dry runs', which would provide them with the extra opportunity to get caught?

Right.

Seriously, the myth of the 'dry run' pisses me the hell off. Let's look at it objectively:
*There has been one successful terrorist attack within the 'sterile zone' and one unsuccessful one in the past ten years.
*The successful attack was carried out using 'weapons' that were, at that time, permitted on domestic flights in the US. (Wiki cite) Based on what we know, there would have been no reason for security to stop them.
*The unsuccessful attack was thwarted in no part due to any security screening, but because a flight attendant noticed a passenger lighting matches and, uh, trying to set his shoe on fire. Again, this had nothing to do with airport security.
*No other attacks have been attempted. Yes, someone drove a flaming car into an airport, which again, has nothing to do with airport security and doesn't quite qualify as a concentrated terrorist attack. Yes, some people allegedly were going to blow up some planes, but all we really know is that the reports of that plot were hugely inflated.
*There has never been any terrorist caught doing a 'dry run'. There was this, which was allegedly a dry-run for Operation Bojinka (which, by the way, beat the 2006 'liquid bombers' by ten years). However, they actually detonated a bomb, so calling it a 'dry run' is kind of manipulative. It was a bombing. Also, it had nothing to do with United States airport security.

So...yes. Given all of the above, we obviously must assume that the eeeeevil terrorists are out there doing 'dry runs'. Because there's so much overwhelming evidence that they are.

In other words, the TSA can suck it.

Good news for New Jersey!

Of 32 major US airports, Salt Lake City apparently is best with around an 85% on-time departure rate.  

Of the airports surrounding my fine home state of New Jersey, the highest-ranking airport within a reasonable distance is Baltimore, with about 77% on-time.  JFK, LaGuardia, Philadelphia, and Newark come in at 76, 74, 72, and 72, respectively.  

So pretty much unless you want to go all the way down to Baltimore to catch a flight, you're screwed if you want to get out of New Jersey.  They charge you money to drive out of the state, and there's no reliable air transportation.  

Fun with money!

To my complete surprise, everything about my flights back to Santa Fe went smoothly. There was a real short line to check my bag in Philly, there was absolutely no problem going through security, and my plane was off the ground on time. I got to Atlanta, and barring a well-announced gate change, everything continued to go smoothly. The one problem was the lack of food. I had some hash browns and coffee in Philly. Delta gave me a little bag of chips on the plane. By Atlanta I was hungry but there wasn't anything palatable (ie, vegetarian and more substantial than ice cream) in the terminal I was in, so I bought a bag of trail mix at one of the little shops. En route to Albuquerque they gave me a granola bar. When I got to Albuquerque I scarfed down almost the entire bag of trail mix while waiting for the shuttle.

Things did not go quite as smoothly when I got back to campus. Something stupid I blame myself for is that I failed to prop open the door of my little fridge, and there was still some moisture in there, so...ew. Also, new policy apparently is to fill out a form declaring that you don't have a car, please don't give me a parking permit, which is a bit pointless. But no, the real fun was when I was doing the registration whatnot. I had to stop by career services and the treasurer's office before I could get my schedule. No idea why I had to check in about work-study; they just handed me a bit of paper saying I could get a job. Then I went to the treasurer's office, where they told me I owed the college $7,000 some dollars.

Uh. What? I do? I'm pretty certain I shouldn't, and that's quite a large sum of money.

So I call the parent types, as they deal with the large sums of money. They look at some scary financial records and discover that the college only sees one of my two loans. Guess how much it's for? Yup. Apparently, the bank sent a form to the financial aid office to verify that I was eligible for a student loan. Financial aid was then supposed to send it back to the loan company saying "Yes, she is a student here", and then the loan company would send the college about $7,000. Guess what financial aid failed to do?

So they told me it would be taken care of. I stop by work on Wednesday morning and say I still have some registration stuff to work out, hopefully I'd be back soon as I was hoping to avoid the lines of freshman.

"Okay, the second loan is showing up, but you still owe us two hundred dollars."

Argh. Another phone call to the parents. Easiest resolution at that point is for me to just write the college a check, after again standing in line. Finally, they gave me my schedule (which then raised other issues, but I've decided to let it be).

And that is that. Most of my room is still in boxes, because I've been tired/trying to convince the college I don't really owe them that much money/catching up with people/working. This weekend I hope to get everything straightened out.

Home again

Home cooking, free laundry, speedy-fast internet, and best of all, a dear old dog. She's definitely old, but still my pup.

New Jersey is unpleasantly hot and humid. And lacking a bicycle I feel rather stuck at home, but I've got some books to read and time to read them in. So it's all good.

Airportin'

I'm right now sitting in the Albuquerque airport. Waiting. I have not yet checked my suitcase, because I can't. Delta has flights leaving in the afternoon, then a big gap, then a flight to Atlanta which leaves at 12:55 AM, which I am on. So apparently no one will be available to take my suitcase off my hands until 10 PM. Until then, I'm camped out on a seat across from the Delta counter.

The good thing about the Albuquerque airport is it's relatively quiet, and had relatively comfortable seats. Also, obviously, free WiFi, which is spiffy.

Flying

"I'm sorry miss, you can't bring that lotion on the plane with you. It may be a bomb."

"Fine, whatever. Take it."

"We'll be donating it to a homeless shelter."

"..."

(via BoingBoing)

Eh?

Apparently women are discriminated against while traveling. According to the New York Times, the main problems seem to be flight attendants treating women like "second-class citizens" and hotel clerks tell you where your room is.

What?

Crap like this is why people are so hesitant to take feminism seriously. "Oh noes, the hotel clerk just said my room number out loud! He's not protecting me!" You're a grown woman old enough to get a hotel room. Carry mace and stop being such a freaking pansy.

The flying, oh god, the flying.

The flight home for break two weeks ago: absolutely fine. Considering my luck, it made me suspicious. No delays, no lost bags. A couple screaming babies, but, hey. It got me there on-time.
Today, flying back to school? Heh.

The originally theory was this: A flight from Philly to Minneapolis at 8:30. An hour layover. Then Minneapolis to Albuquerque, getting me into Albuquerque around 1:30, back on campus by three or so.

What happened:

I got to the airport and everything was fine until I was actually on the plane. It started with us waiting a couple minutes for them to make some sort of repair. Then a few more minutes. Then the repair was made, and we were waiting for someone to sign off on it. Then a few more minutes waiting. Then, about half an hour after we should have been in the air, the information that it would be at least another 45 minutes. Because no one qualified to inspect the repair was at the airport. Because why would they have qualified technicians, you know, at the airport?

So I called my father and asked him to check out my options, as I had clearly missed my connection on to Albuquerque. The airline (hint: NW) had no more flights from Minneapolis to Albuquerque. Another one (hint: AA) had a Philly -> Dallas -> Albuquerque flight leaving at 11:45, arriving in Albuquerque around 4:30. I wait in line at the gate. Forever. I call the first airline, explain the situation. They agree it is problematic and put me on the AA flight. They tell me explicitly to go to the AA ticket counter. The line, where one person is at the podium, has not moved.

AA operates, in Philly, out of terminal A. NW operates out of terminal E. In order to get from one to the other one must walk about half a mile outside. I do so. I wait in line. The agent there says no, I need to go talk to the NW ticket counter. I walk back to terminal E. I wait in line. They also say I should've gone there first. "Here, give them this. They probably won't get your luggage in time, so if it's not in Albuquerque you'll need to file the claim with AA." I feel stupid. I again walk to terminal A. They look at the flight and say:

That flight's completely overbooked. I can't put you on it.

I, having woken far earlier than is healthy, laugh a bit and ask if she's kidding. She's not. But she can put me on a 1:30 flight to Dallas and then a five o'clock flight to Albuquerque. I say fine, because at this point, I do not care. I am late and would very much like to return to New Mexico, preferably today. She puts me on the flight, hands me my boarding passes, and says that they probably don't have my luggage. I know, I say. "If it's not in Albuquerque when you get there you need to file a claim with NW," they say. Hey, let's play "pass the passenger!".

I go upstairs. I wait in like at security. Since the computer thinks I just purchased my ticket three hours before the flight, that means I'm a terrorist and I get searched extra. There is a moment of terror as the TSA drone manhandles my violin, and a worse moment when I think he's going to smear whatever explosives-detecting chemical-laden swab over my baby (that would be the violin). In their exhaustive search of my person and my belongings they do not so much as open the violin case.

I spend the rest of the day playing "I should have been in Albuquerque x hours ago". It's a fun game. Both flights are extremely turbulent. I arrive in Albuquerque. I wait in line at the AA baggage office, because NW does not appear to have one, and I am very tired and would like to stop being in an airport. Finally, I thrust my bag-claim sticker at him, and say something along the lines of, "Here is a bag claim from an airline that is not yours, but I just flew your airline anyway. The bag does not appear to be here; it might be in Philly or Minneapolis or Dallas or someplace else altogether. I do not care where it is, I would like it to be in Santa Fe." He says it should be delivered to my dorm tomorrow morning. I begin to leave, then remember that my toothbrush (amongst other things, such as my math text book and, you know, clothing) is in my bag, which is not in the same airport as myself. I ask if they have any of those little toiletry kits. They do.

I finally get on the shuttle and get dropped off at school. I borrow my roommate's contact lens solution, as mine is in my suitcase (which is in a state that is not New Mexico). I call my parents to inform them that I am alive and in Santa Fe, write this up so I won't forget all the great fun I had, and though it is early, it is now time for me to go and lie in bed and attempt to read for all of thirty seconds before sleep consumes me.

Another reason to be annoyed by America

Our complete lack of transportation. We have cars in America. Big, ugly, crappy, inefficient cars. And highways to go with them. And then, we have...nothing else.

My spring break is 10 Mar - 25 Mar. I'm looking at flights, which will get me from Albuquerque to Philadelphia in about six or seven hours. But I hate flying; let's look at other options. Maybe I can find something cheaper than $270 or so round-trip.

There's Amtrak. If I take Amtrak, it'll take me about 41 hours to get from Lamy, NM (inexplicably the only town in New Mexico that Amtrak goes to). It'll take me 23 hours on the train from Lamy to Chicago. Mapquest says that if I drive that, it takes me about 20 hours. (Hint: most places, trains are in fact faster than driving). Cost for round-trip? $344.

Okay, I don't really want to spend upwards of $300 to go cross-country very very slowly. Let's check out our nation's fine bus service, Greyhound. They do have a station in Santa Fe. They say it'll take me two days and a couple hours to get from Santa Fe to Mt. Laurel, New Jersey (the closest Greyhound station to home). Looks like I could pay $240 if I got the ticket seven days in advance. I'd get to see exciting places such as Denver (30 minutes), Kansas City (1 hour), St. Louis (2:35), and Pittsburgh (1 hour).

*sigh*

Back up high

I managed to have a relatively uneventful flight. Relatively, for me, means "I was not stuck in Cincinnati for five hours, and I arrived at my destination when I was supposed to."

There was an aborted landing going into Chicago. One of those times where, okay, we're descending, things on the ground are now houses and cars and whatnot rather than indistinguishable specks, going lower, oh my we're going up rather alarmingly fast, why might that be? Apparently there was a problem with the runway or we were supposed to use a different one or something, and a few minutes later we landed without problem (a bit abruptly, but word on the street has it that Midway has very short runways). But to someone who's rather nervous flying to begin with, the "going down, going down, all's normal, oh god not normal" is really scary.

And this is the second time in about a year that it's happened to me.

My father, who's flown probably ten flights for every one I've been on, doesn't think he's ever been on a flight that aborted a landing. My mother has never experienced it. Twice now in a year for me. *sigh*

I also met a very nice Southwest ticket agent in Philadelphia, because stupid me forgot to remove my pocketknife from my purse before going through security. If it were anything else I'd have just handed it over, but this particular knife was inherited from my grandfather when I was about six, so it has significant sentimental value. But the Very Nice Woman actually went back, found one of my checked bags, and put it in there for me. So for once, I got a positive story from flying.

And after having hauled three big, bulky suitcases all the way up to my dorm, I'm once again left wondering who the hell builds a city at such a high altitude? Yes it's beautiful, but you know what? There's no oxygen here.

Okay, I really *should* just go to bed now...

I can't tear myself away from the TSA's website.

On June 23, 2005, the Department of Transportation (DOT) granted the Zippo Manufacturing Co an emergency exemption that allows passengers to pack up to 2 fueled Zippo lighters in checked luggage. The lighter must be in DOT-approved packaging. The packaging is a vapor-tight plastic box that can accommodate a single Zippo lighter. These packages must be clearly marked by their manufacturer to show that they comply with the DOT regulations. This enables TSA security officers to easily identify them during screening.

*blink* America's Security: sponsored by Zippo.

You may not bring matches in your checked baggage because of safety regulations. You may, however, bring up to four books of safety (non-strike anywhere) matches in your carry-on baggage or on your person.

You can't check matches. Okay, fine - you don't want highly flammable things in the cargo hold. A bit touchy, I think, but logical. You can't bring lighters as checked baggage or carry-ons for the same reason. But you can bring four books of matches in your carry-on, because it's not like anyone ever tried to use matches to set off a bomb in a plane.

Yeah. Because if we use logic, the terrorists win.

Fascinatingly, hammers, drills and drill bits are prohibited, but "tools (seven inches or less in length)" are permitted, as are "wrenches and pliers (seven inches or less in length)".

Personally my biggest worry about flying these days is the snow-globe problem.

Thank god for the TSA

The Transportation Security Administration: Keeping America safe from the snow-globe menace since 2001.

Also interesting:

Bringing a prohibited item to a security checkpoint - even accidentally - is illegal.

So...you show up for a flight. You have, say, a 3.5 ounce bottle of mouthwash with you. They notice. You say, "Oh. Whoops. Just go ahead and throw that out." They say, "You're under arrest for possesion of more than 3 ounces of a liquid at a security checkpoint in an airport." The Bill of Rights shrivels up and dies, as it needs more than 3 liquid ounces of justice to preserve it.

Further:

To ensure everyone's security, a security officer may decide that an item that is not on this chart is potentially dangerous and may prevent you from taking it through the checkpoint.

What the hell? We now give our police - oh, wait, they're not even trained in law enforcement - the right to randomly declare something "dangerous", and confiscate it? What the ever-loving hell are we doing to ourselves?

For what it's worth, I'm half tempted to set up a kiosk in the departures lobby of PHL. I'll sell 3-ounce bottles of water and clear plastic bags. This list is pretty chuckle-worthy, and it says something about the idiocy of the system that they have to break it down into whether or not you can bring pudding vs whether or not you can bring Jello. Your tax money at work, ladies and gents.

...Anyone want to place any bets as to whether or not I actually manage to get on an airplane on Friday? Extra screening, perhaps?

Newsflash: Airlines suck.

NYTimes article about the rise of "elite" airline passengers - eg, people with enough cash to pay for things such as "customer service".

There are even discussions about whether to begin charging passengers for checking in luggage or advance seat assignments; card-carrying elites would most likely be exempt from those fees.

...yeah. That's clear evidence that the airlines fully understand that they have a monopoly on travel - if you want to ever go anywhere other than "home", you're going to fly, and they will exploit that shamelessly.

Ticketed again

I (finally) have purchased a ticket back out to the Wild West. Hope for good weather.

Also, I've emailed with a fellow St John's student who is looking for a housemate. It's probably not going to work out (they want to sign a lease through May), but, he said he has a friend who's living on-campus, who wants to move off-campus, but was told they couldn't, possibly because there was no one to fill the room. Er, okay. So he's going to talk to her (the friend), and hopefully one of them will get back to me, and then hopefully I can call up the housing office and say: "She wants to live off-campus. I want to live on-campus. You guys don't want to have an empty room. I see a very simple way for everyone to win." Awesome. (it's hard to type with crossed fingers).

Back from a winter wonderland

Christmas was OK. Nothing stupendous, but it was nice to see family again. It would have been nice to have a bit more time, but thus is life. It was also great to get down to Maryland to see some relations on that side of the family, as I don't know when I last saw any of them (at least a year and a half ago, probably more). So, it was pleasant.

More personally, since returning to the US, I've decided to drink far less soda. I'm not going to even try to cut it out completely because I quite honestly like soda. But in England I was drinking almost soda and coffee exclusively, because juice costs more and doesn't last as long, and I'm not a big water drinker. So I've decided that I'm going to limit myself to an occasional treat, less than daily. Who knows how it'll hold up once I go back to school.

Also, I decided today as we were cruising out of suburban Maryland: America is just stupidly in love with our own flag, and I don't understand it at all.