Papers, please

Arizona just passed a new law about immigration enforcement. What this new law does, primarily, is require local law enforcement personnel to detain anyone who they reasonably suspect is an illegal immigrant. It also requires legal immigrants to carry their immigration papers with them.

From my point of view, there are a few big problems with this. 1

1. Don't the cops have better things to do? Seriously - let's leave immigration enforcement to the feds, and let the local guys deal with, well, local crime. I'm sure the police in Phoenix or wherever have plenty of theft and burglary and domestic disputes and DUIs and drug problems to deal with. If we add in, "needing to take someone into custody because you think they're illegal and hold them until we get it cleared up with the feds", I suspect the amount of time cops have to deal with the other stuff will be reduced. Contrary to what some people believe, "dude who crossed the border illegally and now works mopping floors at McDonalds" is not really an immediate threat to anyone's safety. "Dude beating the crap out of his wife" is.

2. Uh, so, what exactly is "reasonable suspicion?" That's what the bill says - if Officer Smith pulls over John Doe for rolling through a stop sign and has "reasonable suspicion" that Mr. Doe is in the country unlawfully, then Officer Smith has to check that out. So, okay, what's going to lead to a reasonable suspicion? It can't possibly be "Dude's got a hispanic name," because, uh, there's quite a number of people in Arizona who are Hispanic, and not all of them illegally. It's quite possible to be hispanic, and your family's been here for centuries and you're white as can be. It's also possible to be hispanic, and your family's been here for centuries, and you're not white. Or you could look hispanic, have the name, and be a new resident of this country but perfectly legal. Somehow, I strongly suspect that in many places, Carlos Chavez who looks Mexican (but his family's been here since the 1700's) is much more likely to get hassled under this law than Carlos Chavez who looks white (but his family's been here since the 1700's). This is because this is an incredibly stupid law, that basically kicks a door wide open and invites law enforcement officers to let their personal biases be used as an excuse for detaining people.

3. In the unlikely event that this law is not struck down as being grossly unconstitutional and also really rather stupid - you know what's going to happen? A lot of Arizona's illegals are going to leave Arizona. Some of them might go back to their country of origin, sure, maybe. More of them will head west to California, or Nevada, or maybe even Utah - or head on over here, to New Mexico.

Now, I generally feel fairly apathetic about illegal immigration. On the one hand: I do think that we need an orderly process that allows our government to know who's in the country. On the other hand: I don't really see who all these people getting hurt by illegal immigrants are, and I think that if we all the sudden come down real hard, it's going to hurt an awful lot of American citizens, because there won't be anywhere near as many people washing dishes and mopping floors and mowing lawns and putting up drywall, and there's not really a lot of American citizens waiting in line for those jobs.

So part of me wants to say: Eh, New Mexico gets an influx of super cheap labor willing to do jobs I'm not willing to do? Fine. Another part of me, though, does remember that they like any humans will need places to live and medical care and so on. So is there an impact on the community? Yes. Is it a positive or negative impact? I don't know - I'm inclined to say it's fairly neutral (because they need medical care, yes, but they also work and buy stuff).

Regardless of how it effects my state, though - this AZ law is really stupid. If it is enforceable, it's going to A) hurt local communities by distracting police from the rest of their police work, and B) open a great big huge door with lights and arrows and a giant welcome sign for discrimination lawsuits.

Really?

Since my job-hunting process can now be summed up as "Is there some possibility I meet the requirements for this job regardless of whether or not I want it? Yes? Apply!", I've encountered a couple varieties of applications.

1. Most common for retail and customer service positions: those obnoxious online "personality" screens where they ask you fifteen different ways if you strongly agree, agree, disagree, or strongly disagree that it's acceptable to steal from your employer.

1a. A subset of these includes drug questions, where they specifically ask you if you think it's okay to use marijuana on the job. And cocaine. And heroin. And PCP. And so on.

2. Real jobs, where they want you to write a letter saying why they should hire you, and send them your resume. These are good.

3. Federal government jobs, where they would like to you to jump through six hoops (two of them flaming), submit a copy of your birth certificate in triplicate, swear an oath of loyalty to USAJobs.gov's resume builder, put your left foot in, put your left foot out, put your left foot in, submit your resume and sixteen pieces of paper via the postal service, shake your left foot all about, and then contact an undercover operative with a copy of your third-grade report card. Then you wait six months to hear anything. These are somewhat annoying.

3a. Jobs with the TSA (shut up, I'm in dire need of a paycheck), where they want you to answer 35 individual yes-or-no questions as to whether or not you have been convicted of a given offense. Included on said list are offenses such as murder, aircraft piracy, kidnapping, treason (really), sedition (no, really), and my favorite: "Lighting violation involving transporting controlled substances. Essentially, this means that if you have been convicted of transporting illegal drugs in a plane without activating the navigation or anti-collision lights you are disqualified."

I'm baffled by the specificity in that last one - "interference with navigation" is already covered, as are any number of felony convictions (involving drugs? burglary? cats? conspiracy? etc), so it's not like, "Well, you smuggled drugs by air into the country, but you had the proper lighting, so that's cool".

Science! (not really)

Problem: I'm kind of approaching mullet-esque territory.

Cause: When I last got my hair trimmed, the stylist neglected to pay enough attention to the neckline in back.

Hypothesis: Judicious application of cutting appliances will solve this problem.

Process: Adjust three mirrored medicine cabinet doors such that subject can view appropriate area of body. Obtain scissors and comb. Hack around realizing once the first cut is made that you have no idea what you're doing. Continue anyway, because why would you pay a professional to do something like this? Briefly consider saying "to hell with it," busting out the clippers, and going GI Jane again. Continue anyway. Acknowledge that I am likely due for a proper trip in a month or so and figure they'll repair any minor damage then.

Results: Obviously amateur, but within acceptable parameters.

A true cat story

INT: KITCHEN - DAY

HUMAN stands at the stove, cooking herself some eggs for lunch. Behind her, the cat door clatters open and BIG BLACK CAT enters.

HUMAN

Hello, housemate's Big Black Cat. You are absolutely covered in dirt, as you often are.

Cat makes a beeline across the open-plan house and stops in front of the front door.

CAT

Meow

(subtitles: Lemme out!)

HUMAN

You just came in from outside, you doof.

CAT

Mow meow MOW MOW

(subtitles: Oh god oh god why won't you let me outside right now you horrible person it hurts!)

Human crosses to front door and opens it.

HUMAN

Fine, you stupid beast, but I'll remind you that this is the same damn outside you just came in from.

CAT

Mow.

Cat stands uncertainly in doorway.

HUMAN

In or out, your choice, but please pick one before my eggs overcook.

Cat backs up a step.

HUMAN

Okay, inside it is.

The cat dashes out through the closing screen door.

CAT

Meow!

(subtitle: Gotcha, sucker!)

HUMAN

Stupid cat.