Thoughts on the whole "fat people on a plane" thing.

Kevin Smith got booted off a Southwest flight because he's fat. Apparently, he bought two seats, but then got on standby for an earlier flight and got the very last seat on a full flight, and then he was told that he was too big and would have to get off the plane. The main issue seems to be that he apparently could lower the armrests (the de facto test) but was kicked off anyway. My thoughts:

1. What the hell is Kevin Smith doing flying on Southwest? Southwest is for people who can't afford an airline that pretends not to be a bus, not big Hollywood producers.

2. "People of size." Okay, I get that you can't have an official Fat People Policy, but come on. Are the "people of size" different from...what, those literally one-dimensional people? Please, airlines, I'm begging you to come up with a slightly less inane euphemism, because every time I hear someone identified as a "person of size" I want to start screaming that OF COURSE they're "of size," everyone and everything has size, you idiotic PR-obsessed morons!

3. If you are tall, there's not a damn thing you can do about it, short of chopping off your legs. Planes are designed to be as efficient as possible, which means cramming as many tiny seats into a tube as possible. This is not going to change, so get the hell over it. Fly business class, spent the extra twenty bucks for an exit seat, or drive.

4. If you are fat, you can do something about it! You can lose weight! Yes, you can! No, seriously, you can. I don't care whatever made-up glandular problem you have; if you take in fewer calories than you burn, you'll lose weight! Forget about nutrition; that's the first law of thermodynamics. The energy that your body needs to pump blood around and get up and walk and blink your eyes needs to come from somewhere. Usually it comes from the food that you eat. If you eat less food, some of that energy will come from the fat already within your body. That is why humans have fat, as an emergency battery. If you say you can't do anything about it, you're lying.

4a. I do not care if you're fat. If you want to live your life slurping down McDonalds and die of a stroke at the age of 35? Fine. Not my problem.

4b. If you make that choice, it comes with trade-offs. You can be too fat to fit in a single seat on an airplane and buy two, or you can lose weight and fit in a single seat.

5. If you cannot fit in one seat, and the flight is otherwise fully booked, you will need to reserve a second seat on a less-full flight. This is not a personal insult. This is not punishment. This is not a moral judgement. This is just how buying things work. You pay to occupy a seat on a plane going from A to B. If you want to occupy two seats, one of which could potentially be occupied by a second paying customer, you have to pay for two seats. If I go to Subway and buy a 6 inch sandwich, but decide I'm really really hungry, Subway is not obligated to give me a second sandwich for free. If I pay for a one-way bus fare, I cannot ride the bus again for free just because.

5a. If the flight turns out not to be fully booked, the money for that second seat should be refunded; this, I understand, is how it already works.

5b. THIS IS NOT DISCRIMINATION. Pointing out the obvious (this passenger does not fit in one seat) is not discrimination.

6. It would be lovely if the airline staff was discrete and polite in these situations. It would also be lovely if airline staff was polite when your flight is delayed for whatever reason, or when you've been sitting on the tarmac for three hours and you have to pee, or when you nearly miss your plane because the gate suddenly changed from A1 to Z452. It would also be lovely if cashiers always handed you your coins first, if milk never went bad in the fridge, and if I woke up tomorrow and had 20/20 vision. Humans are humans, and usually we're a mean, brutal people, and nothing's going to change that. Suck it up and deal.