Oh, how I wish this was The Onion.

Alas: The Washington Post is not a satire paper.

New federal guidelines ask all females capable of conceiving a baby to treat themselves -- and to be treated by the health care system -- as pre-pregnant, regardless of whether they plan to get pregnant anytime soon.

Pre-pregnant. They used the term "pre-pregnant", as if conception is inevitable.

I grant that some of the guidelines are just good ideas. Don't smoke, eat well, don't get fat, don't play with cat feces (uh, okay). But the reasoning here is completely idiotic. Do this so your precious little collection of stem-cells thrives as it incubates in you! Encourage that parasitical relationship!

My reaction to this (found via Feministing, which rocks, by the way) was pretty immediate, a first-paragraph reaction. It's one thing to put forth general health guidelines. The food pyramid, with it's infinite wisdom not to dine solely on Cheetos and Red Bull, is OK by me. Requiring nutrition info labels and warnings on cigarettes and alchohol: good, fine. Go for it. Tell us that this isn't that healthy, that this has lots of good protein, that smoking's not great for your lungs.

But do not ask me to follow those guidelines for my potential embryo. That is way, way overstepping a line. Want to hear something that'll make a these people cry? I'm going to pretty much ignore their advice. I'm not going to talk to my (hypothetical) doctor about the effect of alcohol on a fetus, I'm not going to stop having an occasional drink, and I'm not going to start taking folic acid supplements. Know why? Because I don't want a baby. I don't want to be pregnant and that's not going to change anytime in the forseeable future. Before I'd ever consider having kids, I will have finished school (meaning undergrad and whatever further degree, maybe law), have a good, steady career (meaning something more than just a job), and have settled down with a man and made a serious commitment (meaning...it'll be a while, folks). That's going to take a few years at least, and honest: If I somehow screwed up, if I got pregnant before all that was accomplished, I wouldn't have the slightest inclination to carry that fetus to term. It would pretty much be gone ASAP.

So, a message to my beloved home government, rules of the land of the free and home of the brave, I have this to say: Back off, sparky. You don't get to request that I do anything to my body, let alone for a reason as maniacally misogynistic as "You should have babies!"

Promise me that I'll have health care when I get home, promise my gay friends their rights as Americans, and stop fucking around in other countries. Then, maybe we can talk. Maybe.